Composed of Nows
by Tess DiCorsi
Summary: Carpe Diem. Season four, just after "Wanted" with references to "Rude Awakenings" and "The Watchers" – one part story.


**DISCLAIMER**: Not mine. Just playing with them and promise not to break anything. Will put things back when I'm done.  
**STORY NOTES**: Carpe Diem. Season four, just after "Wanted" with references to "Rude Awakenings" and "The Watchers" – one part story.

* * *

"Forever is composed of nows" - Emily Dickinson

.

"What are you doing up so early?" Kensi asked as she joined him on his balcony, coffee cup in hand. Deeks thought he heard her moving around a few minutes earlier. He stood on the one spot at his place where he could see the ocean between the buildings.

"Contemplating the universe with my faithful companion," Deeks said as he turned to face her. Monty slept near Deeks's bare feet.

"Care to share any observations gleaned early this Wednesday morning?" Kensi teased as she sat on the lounge chair she considered hers. Kensi, however, did not lounge.

"I don't know, Kensi. They're deep, deep thoughts," he tried to joke but it didn't quite work.

"You OK?" Kensi asked. "Five in the morning Deeks is usually a surfing Deeks not a deep thoughts Deeks. I don't even know if there is a deep thoughts Deeks."

"Funny you mentioned surfing," Deeks said. "Promise you won't freak out."

"I don't freak out. What's up?"

"Do you have any way you don't want to die?"

"Deeks," Kensi warned, obviously not liking the direction of their conversation.

"You asked me what I was thinking; you told me you don't freak out. One of the things I was thinking about was the way I don't want to die."

"Don't think like that."

He nodded as if he was taking her advice but told her, "I don't want to drown." Looking at his feet, he continued, "I don't like the idea of waterboarding. I was," he struggled for the right word, "concerned when I was tied up and stuffed in that trash container on the Van Buren. I was worried Wall was going to push it off the deck and that would be it. I didn't like Kirkin's men holding me down yesterday in the pool. I don't want to drown." They were quiet for nearly a minute and Deeks thought the conversation was over when he heard Kensi mumble something. "Excuse me?"

"Alone."

Deeks's heart broke just a little with that one word. "Oh, Kensi."

"I mean, dying is a solo act, I know that. And I don't want anyone to be dying with me or because of me. I want everyone safe but..." Kensi shook her head, as if to clear the thoughts away.

"You're not alone. You have your mother back in your life. There's Hetty. You have friends like Nell and Eric, Sam and Callen. There are the people you know at Pendleton. You have me. You're not alone," he tried to reassure her.

"I think about how my father died. His wife was gone, I was beginning to pull away from him..."

"You were being a teenage girl and wanting to do teenage girl things. You weren't pulling away from him. You know that. He knew that."

"Did he?" Kensi wondered. "Either way, I think about him sometimes, dying in that car alone. We fought, my mother was gone and one of his closest friends killed him. In the last moments of his life, did he think that everything that mattered turned on him?"

"You never turned on him and he knew you loved him. You chose him when your mother left. You were a fifteen year-old girl. You're supposed to be fighting with your dad from time to time."

Kensi arched her eyebrow, "When did you become an expert on teenage girls and their relationships with their fathers?"

He smiled at her. "I was once a teenage boy and the source of some of those father-daughter relationship troubles."

Kensi smiled back. "Marty Deeks, teenage bad boy."

"And don't you forget it," he joked, wagging his finger at her. "You know you're not alone. You have friends to who love you. You have me, reformed teenage bad boy turned upstanding and outstanding citizen. Well, not all that upstanding," he told her, pulling his phone out of his hoodie pocket and passing it to Kensi

"Should I be worried about someone texting you?" Kensi teased as he sat on the lounge chair next to her. Unlike Kensi, Deeks lounged. "Check your damn e-mail," Kensi read aloud.

"From Bates." Deeks pointed to his laptop on the table next to his chair.

"OK."

"My presence has been requested at a seven o'clock meeting this morning in the 12th floor conference room by Bates's office with the captain of the Venice Beach Substation, someone from the Sheriff's Department Men's County Jail detail, the Russian expert from Organized Crime, LAFD and Hetty. And by requested, I mean I was ordered to attend."

"That doesn't sound good." Kensi handed Deeks back his phone. "What does the fire department want? What do any of them want?"

"Oh, where to start. The LAFD wants to complain about Sidorov assaulting a lifeguard who was trying to take his first-aid gear to Snyder and stealing said lifeguard's county vehicle. It was found on fire under the Seventh Street Bridge. Speaking of stealing vehicles, Sam got to Venice in a stolen Sheriff's Department car that he took after he assaulted the deputy sheriff on duty escaping lockup yesterday. Those two have their fair share of complaints with two assaults on county employees and two stolen official vehicles."

"There were reasons..."

"Yes, there were but they're not the only one who are unhappy. Organized Crime is angry that there is a vacuum in the Russian mob hierarchy because Kirkin is believed dead but really isn't. That means a power struggle that will likely end badly and probably all over the streets of Santa Monica and West Hollywood. Just wait until the locals learn Kirkin isn't dead and will be taking back his power with LAPD owing him a favor down the road."

"None of that sounds good. Or your fault."

"Both true but I'm the liaison officer, so I'll get an earful. And let's not forget the unhappy head of the Venice Beach Substation who had no idea there was a CIA undercover operation taking place with NCIS, and therefore me, providing back-up."

"You weren't there."

"Yeah, I'll mention that but since the joint CIA-NCIS-with absent-LAPD operation devolved into a shootout, complete with a dead CIA Agent, the people running the Substation are angry they were purposely kept away from the crime scene. Of course, they were kept away since the CIA can't be involved in covert actions on US soil without a Presidential directive and the Substation cops were told by DHS that what was going on was a matter of national security and above their pay grade. As you can imagine, that sat well. It is going to be about thirty minutes of everyone venting at me."

"And Hetty."

"No, they're terrified of Hetty, every last one of them," Deeks chuckled. "She'll sit there in absolute silence, sipping her tea while they all remind me as liaison officer I'm supposed to tell them when things like the possibility of a Russian arms dealer and his personal assassin setting up a meet on a local basketball court with a CIA undercover operative. Once they're done, Hetty will promise to send whatever redacted material she can and excuse herself because of a pressing matter of national security. I'll remain for another ten minutes or so of yelling with one or two of those present offering their sympathy because I have to work with Hetty."

"Hetty loves you."

"No, she loves you, everyone does," Deeks smiled at Kensi. He wondered, not for the first time, if Kensi understood how much she meant to the team. He hoped she knew what she meant to him. "But Hetty's fine with me and I like her. Not that I'll share that bit of info with the assembled annoyed public safety officials. They'll leave. Bates will ask me what really happened. I'll tell him what I can."

"What do you mean you'll tell him what you can?"

"Hetty got Bates his old Army Intelligence security clearance back as an apology for last year's mess with John Quinn," Deeks frowned, wanting to get off that topic as quickly as possible. "She didn't sell it as an apology but since he got it back right after Thanksgiving, he took it as more of a peace offering. So with his old clearance back, Hetty's given me carte blanche to tell Bates what I think he needs to know to manage situations."

"What are you going to tell him? Or should that be how much are you going to tell him?"

"I'll tell him most of it. He doesn't need to know that the CIA's undercover operative in Sidorov's inner circle is actually Mrs. Sam Hanna. I'll sell her as a joint task force undercover operative who use to work with Sam. I'll tell him everything else, though."

"Everything? Even the stolen nukes?"

"He already knows about the stolen nukes. He's known for a while."

"When did you tell him?" Deeks noticed Kensi couldn't mask her surprise. "Why did you tell him?"

"I told him after Sidorov's girlfriend washed up dead on the beach. A couple of uniforms saw Sam trying to drown Snyder and you and me holding his CIA underlings on the beach. That got back to Bates so he called and we met. I told him what I could and even recommended Organized Crime keep their ears opened. They're the ones who contacted NCIS when Varlamov showed up in the morgue. They're very happy to have helped NCIS only to be shut out of the whole Kirkin plan."

"It had to be done."

"Agreed, and I will try to explain that to them but just a guess, Organized Crime won't be calling offering help for a while."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I knew what was going on. Sent some information to Bates and that will likely be my best defense. I gave Bates a full rundown on where we were while Michelle was meeting with Sidorov. I warned him we may need to shut down or evacuate large parts of the city if we learned the nukes were nearby. LAPD can actually be helpful in these matters when they're read in," Deeks defended the Department.

"When did you call Bates?" Kensi asked.

"When you were reviewing the plans to secure the nukes with the three NEST team leaders."

Kensi chuckled. "I thought you were in the bathroom."

"No, I was on the phone with Bates and watching you with the three newest members of the Kensi Blye fan club."

"Excuse me?"

"Kensi, Nuclear Engineer Graham Kemp had the look of a man who was quite smitten."

"And married. Saw the wedding ring and everything."

"Married or not, it doesn't mean he's not a fan. You had quite a day. Kemp, Nuclear Physicist Duncan, Agent Sobatino. Forget Raymond, everybody loves Kensi," he teased.

Kensi turned to him, surprised. "You're jealous."

"Of Kemp and Duncan, no. Kensi, you're smart, you're gorgeous, you were carrying an AR-15 and wearing kevlar while you were briefing them. Trust me, very hot. I'm guessing Kemp and Duncan consider yesterday their best work day ever."

"Very funny," Kensi chuckled until she realized something. "You can't be serious about Sobatino."

Deeks looked at her without an ounce of his usual humor, "Deadly. In fact, dead is word that comes up a lot with Agent Sobatino. Or is that Officer Sobatino?"

"What do you mean by that? And not the agent/officers stuff."

"We've had two interactions with Sobatino and so far, we have two dead bodies. The man is efficient."

"Wait, what? He explained that. The guy..."

"Brent Bolton, allegedly died protecting his wife."

"Right, he and Bolton argued, struggled for the gun, Bolton fell or something and the gun misfired."

Deeks looked right at Kensi. "Allegedly. And you know, I fell off my bike a lot as a kid. My mother kept walking into open kitchen cabinet doors. Accidents happen all the time."

Kensi's eyes went wide. "You think he killed Bolton?"

"I'm going to pick up the case file while I'm at the precinct this morning and take a second look. It could have been an accident, but if it was, why was Sobatino in the boat shed fifteen months ago as Roger McAdams? Why wasn't there a report on file with the CIA or DoD explaining that Bolton's death was an accident. Instead, he's waiting in Interrogation for Granger to save his ass."

"I don't know."

"Neither do I. That's why I want to review Bolton's file."

"I'm not necessarily defending the man but Sobatino was part of the shootout today. He could have been the one killed, not Snyder."

"But he wasn't. Funny how that worked out." Deeks took his laptop and opened a file. "Tell me what you see," Deeks told her as he handed Kensi his computer.

"What am I looking at?" Kensi asked.

"Venice Beach Substation had complaints that there were a couple of low level drug dealers using the stands by the basketball courts to move some product. There are four small cameras in the two basketball hoops' backboards."

"There's video of the shootout?" Kensi pointed to the quad screen images from the cameras.

"Yes. This is just before it all went to hell," he said as he leaned over her shoulder, hitting the space bar to freeze the action when Sidorov sat next to Michelle. "Right now, tell me what do you see."

"I can see Sidorov, Greshnev and Michelle."

"Who else?"

"Snyder and Sobatino."

"And what would you say of their undercover skills?"

"They're not blending in very well."

Deeks hit the space bar to start the video again. "What gave it away? Sobatino's well moussed hair, Snyder's just from the Foot Locker workout clothes and blindingly white, indoor skin tone or the fact that the two of them didn't even try to look like they belonged there?"

"Deeks," Kensi explained, "it was their case."

"And they should have been with the NEST teams. You and I would have done a lot better job of mixing in there and you know it." Deeks leaned back disgusted. "Hetty in her white business suit, Hermes scarf and one of her fancy pins would have blended in better."

"Not our call." The shooting and screaming started on the laptop. Kensi hit the space bar to freeze the action. She didn't need to see anymore.

"No, not our call," Deeks sighed. "Why would you want two people who are use to undercover work in Los Angeles, oh, I don't know, doing working undercover work in Los Angeles?" He paused but Kensi didn't have an answer. "No instead, we have a dead CIA Agent, excuse me, CIA Officer. Officer/Agent Hair Product is on his way to Washington to head a task force. He's probably running that task force because he obviously can't run an undercover operation worth a damn so let's promote him. There is a Russian arms dealer still with nukes for sale who is down one personal assassin, probably looking for buyers and a new pet killer. On the good guy side right now, it's a race between Sam and me to see who is in more trouble with their bosses. Awesome."

"If you want me to defend how yesterday was handled, I can't. I won't. Yes, you and I would have been much better than Snyder and Sobatino on the basketball court but maybe that changes how things would have gone with Michelle. Maybe she gets shot right there for not going off with Sidorov. Maybe Callen or you or I are shot trying to protect her. We're all alive and that's what you usually tell me is the end of a successful day."

"Until Sidorov sells the nukes."

"We'll get him first."

"We being who? LAPD? NCIS? CIA? Because after today..."

"There wasn't a lot of cooperation because everyone had different agendas."

"Funny, I thought getting the nukes away from Sidorov would have cut through the bureaucratic bullshit."

Kensi looked down at the laptop and closed it. "I thought so too," she said wistfully.

"While I love putting on the Kensi and Deeks show with you, all I could think driving home last night was some of the last hours of Snyder's life were spent in the boat shed with us yanking his chain and then with the talking hairdo thinking they were getting something over us."

"We needed to give Sam and Michelle time to start..."

"I know why we did what we did, Kensi. Think about it though. That's a hell of a way to spend what winds up being the end of Snyder's life. But then I think," Deeks cocked his head and restarted his thoughts. "Who's the person on the team you trust most when it is all going to hell. Right now. Present company excluded."

"What?" Kensi seemed confused by his change in topic.

"It's 3AM, I'm not available. You're in a jam and someone is coming to help. Who do you want to see coming through the door? Who's going to do the right thing as almost a muscle reflex?"

"Sam," Kensi answered him immediately.

"Same here. After you and Hetty, his opinion may mean the most to me and if you tell him that I'll deny it."

"Your secret's safe with me," Kensi stuck out her little finger and offered a pinky swear.

"I trust you," he smiled, looking at her little finger. "But with Sam, all I can think of is what kind of a world class prick Snyder had to be to have Sam try to drown him a few weeks ago. I wonder what would have happened if it was just you and me at the beach with Sam and Callen wasn't there. Maybe he'd have stopped for you because he probably wasn't letting go for me. And that would have been a problem since I couldn't watch a man drown."

"You're wrong. Sam would have let Snyder go," Kensi paused for a second, "eventually."

"Would he? Sam broke out of county lock-up today, directly defying what Hetty wanted. He stole a car and shot a man dead in the street," Deeks put his hand to stop Kensi from objecting, "All things I completely support and all things I would have done if it was you. Snyder stood there on the beach and taunted Sam about Michelle knowing who she is to him. He may not have gotten what he deserved today on the basketball court but I'm willing to bet he damn well earned what Sam did to him on the beach."

"If Sam doesn't break out of lock-up..."

"Again, all things I completely support based on the outcome of Snyder and Sobatino not being able to run an even semi-competent surveillance and Michelle being hustled away by Greshnev. But even that...Can I ask you something?"

Kensi looked at him a bit surprised, "You're kidding, right? Suddenly, you're shy."

"How long have you known Sam?" Deeks just kept going.

"I joined Special Operations in October 2008. Sam and Callen were already there."

"You ever meet Michelle before all this Sidorov stuff began?"

"No."

"You don't think that's odd?"

"Sam spoke about family before you showed up but never spoke in specifics."

"And you don't think that's odd either?"

"Asks the man who insists what we have is our business and our business alone."

"When Callen told us about Sam and Michelle, what did you think of his tone?"

"His tone?"

"How did he sound to you?"

"I don't remember, I was just so..."

"Stunned? Shocked? Surprised?" All very non-Kensi things to Deeks.

"Taken aback," she answered. "What did you think of Callen's tone? I honestly don't remember it."

"I do. That's what I remember most. It was as if Sam was involved in some sad, huge mistake. That he found this woman and from what I've seen this remarkable woman and somehow falling for her ruined everything."

"I didn't get that."

"Oh, I did." He looked right at Kensi. "And maybe that's why I insist what we have is our business and our business alone."

Kensi looked at him for a second and smiled before taking a sip of her now cool coffee.

"Do you remember what Callen said, the words?" he asked.

She shook her head no. "Not exactly, I told you I was more just taken by the fact that Quinn was more than just CIA."

"He said 'It wasn't supposed to happen.' Because why would two people want to be happy, I guess. Why wouldn't spending all your time with someone amazing for a while make you realize you want to do that for the rest of your life?" Deeks knew he wasn't just talking about Sam anymore.

"You know Callen's background. Or you know he doesn't know his background. Maybe he doesn't see people having happy endings."

"I believe in happy endings, no matter where you come from," Deeks mumbled, more to himself than to her.

Kensi changed the subject. "What do you think of Michelle?"

Deeks looked Kensi and smiled. "I was blown away by her in the bar. But Kensi, she's you. Smart, beautiful and complete bad-ass."

Kensi chuckled. "You'll forgive me if I don't think you're just like Sam."

"I have much better hair."

"You have much more hair. Better is up for debate," Kensi teased.

"Do you think they had a big wedding? Don't see Sam as a run off to Vegas sort of a guy."

"Oh my God, you're such a girl. Why don't you ask Sam to bring in his wedding album? I'm sure that will go over well."

"I like weddings," Deeks defended himself. "Worked for a caterer in college and law school. Lots of beach weddings, hotel banquet rooms, happy people, decent food, tips from drunken a-holes looking to impress tipsy bridesmaids. All good."

"Aww, did you ever catch the bouquet?" Kensi teased.

"No, but I caught the garter belt at my friend Stu's wedding. Stu's 19-year old sister caught the bouquet and since it is bad form for the groom to pound one of the groomsmen into the ground, I tossed it to her boyfriend. Did you ever catch the bouquet? What am I saying? There's no way you'd let anyone else catch the bouquet if you wanted it."

"If I wanted it. Maybe I didn't want it."

"Aww, SuperKensi let the mere mortals catch the bouquet. Miss Manners would approve." Deeks took his laptop from Kensi and powered it down. He needed to shower, get dressed and prepare himself for 'Yell at Deeksfest,' March 2013 edition.

"I think a small church wedding. Sam wore his uniform, Michelle wore something elegant but not a traditional wedding dress. Close family, a handful of friends were there. Nice reception, honeymoon on a boat, just the two of them and the sea," Kensi blurted out.

Deeks stared in stunned silence for a moment before telling her, "Kensi Blye, hopeless romantic."

She stuck her tongue out, "Marty Deeks, just hopeless."

"Clearly," he said as he stood with his laptop. Leaning over, he kissed her. "I need a shower. I need to walk Sleeping Poochie here," he pointed to Monty. "And I need to leave and get yelled at."

"I'll take Monty for a walk after you leave." Kensi offered. "But I need you do to something for me."

"I planned on grabbing a doughnut for you from the fine assortment of LAPD approved breakfast treats."

"Maybe not so hopeless after all." Kensi smiled at him.

As he got to the door to his bedroom, he turned to her, "Kensi?"

"Yes."

"If anything ever does happen to me..."

"Deeks..." Kensi warned again.

"Stu knows what to do. LAPD has him as a contact if something happens. Something permanent."

"Nothing's happening. You told me you have an aversion to death."

"I do. And a badass partner who's not going to let anything happen to me. But you can trust Stu."

"I trust you." Kensi smiled. "See you in the office. Glazed devil food, please."

Deeks smiled and walked back into his apartment to start his day.

-30-


End file.
